Getting Outside My Head

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I posted a while back about something that happened to me. Well...I was really vague...but someone close to me physically hurt me.
I reported it to the police due to family pressure. I really was hurt but scared to report.

I have spent months now apologizing and feeling guilty for the future of the person due to my actions. My actions being that I reported it. I have been in deep depression at times over it ; it has completely consumed me and ruined many times that could have been good.

But ya know....after taking the anger of it again over the phone last night....I stopped apologizing and stated that I had to make a decision on what to do because why.....someone hurt me in the first place! If that would not have happened nothing would be going on now.

I hate what this person is going through.....but I think he has forgotten why it is happening. He is focused on how his life sucks(and I do not blame him) but his actions started this entire thing. I KNOW he did not mean to hurt me but it does not change the fact that he did. So much so that I missed several days of work, had to lie to family and friends about why I was limping for over a week and still have problems at times now. Forget the emotional part...that alone should not be forgotten.

I know this is so personal and why would someone write about it.....I guess because one, I need to get it out of my head and two, I hate that there are other people out there feeling like me.

When did I give up my power to him and why? Why do I think I must have his approval or admoration? Where did I go?

I have up and down days....good and bad days...but I am writing this to remember on my bad days....He physically hurt me. I need to keep remembering that part...not the good parts....I need to remember to move on.

If you know anyone that had been through something like this....please be patient with them. You know what is best ...but for us..it just takes time. Confusion....it becomes the main part of you if you are not careful and it will control Everything you do. You know what is right...but getting there seems unreachable. I will get there....I know I will.... But I have let him hurt me again by him telling me how selfish I am.......and believing him. He Hurt Me. He did not have to do that.....I was trying to leave.

Anyway...I do forgive him and hope he finds peace and HOPE that he gets help for his anger issues. I pray for him everyday and I will not stop...but I do not have to go back.

Christmas got here fast! So much going on....

I really had to cut back this year. I pretty much only bought for Molly and my niece and nephew. I wish I could do more but feel that everyone understands. I also helped someone here at the office. It had to cut back here and there to be able to give her money for Christmas...but I am so happy I do so. Now she has money to get presents for her four children. I really am excited for them.

Changing things up this year. We are both having a hard time this Christmas -missing what we had before. So...I decided to change it up.

We are going to my Dad's Sat and Sun and coming home that evening. We are then going to go to a Christmas Eve party. This party is an annual party that we have not been to in a long time. It is a huge party full of people that we love and love us too. Then home that night...wake to see what Santa brought and then off to Christmas brunch. The family that is having the Christmas Eve party have a brunch the next day at their's mother's house.

I really am looking forward to it. We spent some time with them this past weekend and I really enjoyed. I realized how much I missed them. It was also the first time I felt completely accepted by the entire family(long story). I felt like family again and everyone treated me as though I had never left. I actually cried on the way home because I was so happy.

I am still praying and hoping J gets help. Thinking I may join a group as well. Maybe it would help me understand things and explain feelings I have. I think it might help me with Molly as well.

Anyway...have not wrapped a SINGLE present and have plans tonight all the way through Monday! Looks like some late night wrapping for me. :)

I can't wait to see Molly's face Christmas morning!

Everyone have a Wonderful Christmas!!!