Getting Outside My Head

M is now 3 years old. I can not believe she is three now. Last night at dinner she was looking at something and when asked this was her answer. " I am looking at the picture on the bottle..it is kinda a circle but more like an octagon"..she was right. She just amazes me and blows be way.

She is an extremely smart little girl from what other tell me. Things have been tough lately...I think she is just coming into her own. She is extremely independant and has no problem showing it. We have been having power struggles lately. I think she just misses me and that is the hard part.

She now ask me everyday not to go to work and stay home and hold her. I wish I could do just that....then on the other side I feel quilty for needing my time.

Lately...I have felt uncontrolable frustration and anger when she defies me. A rage my mother had. It scares me. I do take a moment to tell myself to calm down but the rage can come fast and quick. M's is so me at times so we can clash.

I pray everyday to give me strength to remember she is just acting out due to not getting enough time with me during the week. I pray everyday for the strength to control my temper and most of all I pray everyday not to have the relationship with her that I have with my mother.

Now do not get me wrong..I love my daughter more than anything. I am thankful for her everyday and miss her everyday. I know this is part of life and part of her growing, I just never thought it would be this challenging. I am happy that I have the challenge but I ready to get past this phase.

She dressed as a Pink Poodle for Halloween. She loved it and I loved it. I actually let her go trick or treating and she had a BLAST! I keep replaying in my head her smile and her little run up the steps to a new house. She decorated a pumpkin for school and won 1st place! I am so proud. The children were to do most of the work and no carving was allowed. She made a Cinderella Carriage Pumpkin. She sprayed silver glitter all over and cut and pinned the lace to the pumpkin. I cut out the wheels and she glued. She picked out a crown and placed on top. We were both proud and so excited that she won.

She loves to sing. She makes up her own words to songs all the time. She will sit in her car seat and sing so loud...I love it! It is wonderful.

This post started because I was thinking of C. Think of her all day...I think about how wonderful she is and what a great friend. I do not think I could ever measure up to her. She is the best. She has always been there for me. She helped me with my pregnancy and delivery. She took time from her job and husband to care for me and M. I love her very much. I am not great at showing people how I feel or doing the right thing for others...but I owe C a great deal. She is the one that showed me how to hug a person. That is right..I was 20something and never had given a real hug. It was an amazing thing.

I love you C and miss you and your family. M loves y'all as well. You are a women of love and stength and I love you dearly. I am always here for you and will do my best to be there more often so you do not have to ask. Your entire family are in our thoughts and prays.

It seems time is really flying by. I have an agenda every weekend these days. And I have no idea what is up with me but I am just too darn tired for it!

I have no idea how other moms do it....soccer games...activies..play time....

She wanted soccer this year but was too young...so now it looks like we will start soccer this summer. Thankfully her school has a tumbling/gymnastics class at school. Another $33 dollars a month but the girl loves it and it is at school! She gets to make up the times missed from class.

I do love how excited she gets though. She loves to learn new things and figure how things work. She does not just ride a merry-go-round..she tries to figure how it works.

Funny story: Pick her up from SundaySchool at church:

Jason: Molly you smell like goldfish...
Molly: I do... (and then puts her hand in front of her mouth and nose and then breathes) Yep..I do.

Now how funny is that...I have no idea where she learned that...

I need to play poker again...No ...I need to go to Vegas again.....but I am BROKE. Hawaii has killed me...I still can't seem to get out of the hole.

Poker....that is what I need now...a good game.

Molly: Mommy...you have poop in her your hair.
Mommy: What...no I do not.
Molly: Yes, you do..right there...a bunch
Mommy: Oh.....well sweetie that is just mommy's hair.
Molly: Well it looks like brown poop on top
Mommy: Thank you sweetie...now lets brush your teeth

Yes....Mommy has not had time or money to focus on her appearance lately so..she may have a rather large section of roots.

I have an appt next Thurs to get another highlight. Think I will go back brown with red highlights...this blonde just shows the roots way too much. :(

Ya know I knew it looked bad when the teachers at her school mentioned it.....but now a 3 yr old...OUCH!

Okay....I would have NEVER dreamed that you could hug and kiss your child too much...but to others you can!

Twice at school it has been brought up that my child likes to hug and kiss her friends too much. Okay...it is not like the girl does it all day...she hugs her best friends when they get to school and then hugs and sometimes kisses them when they leave.

Two teachers are annoyed by it. At one point it was encouraged by one teacher because she thought it was cute that M was doing that too her son and would tell M to do so and then laugh. Then she comes back and is annoyed that M likes to give him kisses ...well she kinda started that.

Then M has a "situation" with one of her friends and one comment is made that because M comes from a loving and affectionate home that she likes to show her love for her friends by giving them hugs(she acted like she did not have a problem with this at all). However, some kids are not used to the affection and get annoyed with it. They like that attention at first and then don't want the hug later.

Okay...I get that it can be a problem but good gosh...it is not like she running around hitting people. One teacher actually said, "You better watch your girl...you will be in trouble when she is a teenager." Can you believe that...like she is doing something wrong...she is just giving a hug!

I am making a bigger deal out of this then it is. Her current teacher loves her and thinks she is wonderful and thinks it is a good thing. But now I have to tell M to keep her hands to her self and not to hug her friends. It is sad that others try to make this a bad thing. Like it dirty...she is just a little girl.

I give M huggs and kisses all the time. When she wakes up, when I put her into the car, when I leave her places and when she goes to bed. Those are standard and I give her huggs and kisses just whenever I want...when I feel like it ...there does not have to be a reason. I will NOT stop that ....ever!

Anyway...that is my rant. It just really surprises me.

Can I be both?

I love being a mommy but I really miss me at times. The first year or so my brother lived close by so I could call him last minute and he always said yes to baby-sitting. It took me about a year to take him up on this so is was a short time but very nice. He has moved away so I now have no one close to call.
My parents live in Ok so it is a drive. No calling at 4:45 and asking my brother to pick her up at school.

I think I was happier then...which makes me feel quilty. At the same time I think I was a better mom. I had patience..I read to her all the time..I played all the time and really worked with her. I made dinner all the time...

Now....I have not patience...read her a short story just about every night, play occasionally and will pick up dinner if I do not feel like cooking.

What is wrong with me?? All I want to do is sleep or watch TV. I just want some down time. I want her to play or watch TV so I can cook in peace....watch a TV show...or just sit. I feel like a horrible mom right now.

I love her dearly..I am so thankful for her....please lord help me.

I think J is finally getting that something is wrong. He has stopped critizing me and starting to try to help me.

I have gained weight..and do not seem to care..want to lose it but I am doing nothing to change it. Is it post baby blues...three years later???

Anyway...I know it is a problem and I will start working on it. Cutting out most of my TV.....I will read several books a day again and I will just go and play in Molly's room every night. I love her to pieces...and just feel so quilty and horrible right now about my thoughts.

Is it wrong to want to go to happy hour or hang out with adults?

Okay...most days I eat lunch at my desk. When I do so..I usually surf the net because why...it is MY lunch TIME!

WHY oh WHY must people come up and ask work questions when my food is clearly on my desk. I am eating..with a darn fork in my mouth...WHY would you ask a person a question. Oh...and not only once but several times! Leave and then come back...leave and then come back...URGH!

I do not have an office so I can not close the door...but it is a clear sign I am at LUCNH! MY time!

GO AWAY!

J went skydiving Sunday. He LOVED it!!! I think he is just now coming down from his high.

The DVD and pictures are incredible!!! I have watched it over and over. They put music to it and it really is amazing!

I am sure he will go again. I will think about it...but I am afraid I would chicken out at the last minute. But watching the DVD really makes me want to go. It was beautiful!

Well...I am actually taking next week off!! I can not believe it. I was so excited about sitting back and relaxing.....NOPE!

Got the list of cooking for T day...LONG list! I will be cooking for four days. I will enjoy it but I am sure I will be exhausted by the end of the week.

I am excited to cook though. I hope I stay excited. It will be my first T day to do all the cooking. I am sure my step-mom will help some but it will be mostly me. I hope it all turns out good.

I can't wait to make cookies with M. She is really excited to cook with mommy. She is at Nonna and Grandpaw's now. She missed her mommy last night so they had to call me. Then she wanted to sleep with my picture. My baby misses me! YaY! I miss her too!

I will go up Sunday so she just has a few more days. Then the cooking begins!

I hope everyone has a wonderful T day!! Be safe!

We went to the M Ball again this year. It was wonderful! Much bigger this year. Three floors..one-M Ball with free flowing margaritas, one with a casino-poker, and all table games even slot machines and one-cigar bar.

We played poker, blackjack...danced... laughed..it was great. We spent most of the time just us which was great. We met up with his friends...that part was just okay.

He picked out my dress and I even received a compliment at the Ball. It was so nice to hear a complete stranger give a compliment and of course I loved hearing all night how beautiful he told me I was.

The compliments continued all week. It is amazing how great it feels to hear someone say you are beautiful.

Anyway...our third Ball..kinda of our anniversary...it is where I first realized J was into me. 2 years..long and hard years at times but I think we are finally on the right track.

Back to reality. Urgh.

We had a great week. Although..I can not wait till I have a house of my own and have Thanksgiving at MY house and I will do ALL the cooking. I thought I was dreading the cooking....no..I was wrong. I wanted to do all the cooking....not be the assistant.

It was good to spend time though. I really enjoyed my family and was so happy that J came up Wednesday and stayed thru Sat. He was really part of the family.

Looks like I will be off the week of Christmas to spend time with his family. Molly is so excited! They live in Indiana so we should see snow! Yay!