Getting Outside My Head

Last month seemed to be the longest month personally and shorted month professionaly.

Last week I actually had to go pick M up from day care and take her back up to the office so I could work. I think they finally understood that it is really not possible to have M there and try to work. I continue to be told things will slow down soon ....I am still waiting!

Now that I have had a real relationship I am REALLY missing it. M is missing it too and that continues to tear me up. J and I still talk but he has not seen her in about three weeks to a month. She still asks for him. It is both our decisions for him not to be around her until we decide if we are going be together or not. It does not make it easier that it is my decison, I thought it would but it does not not at all. I think in the end J and I will be just friends. That makes me sad but I am trying to believe that things happen for a reason and if that means we are not together then that is the way it shoud be.

It is hard to try and be there for him and take my emotions out of it. I think I am pretty much at the end of my rope. It is just too hard. However, as soon as he calls I listen and talk and then I am sad later. I love talking with him but it just makes me miss him more and want my family back.

On the R front...He has not asked to see M again lately. He keeps calling but has not mentioned to see her. I do not bring it up because I do not have a answer yet. He did tell me though we could work it out without going to court so that is good news! I think he just wants to talk to me right now.

M and I never seem to leave the house when I am home so I decided today to go to a friends house. They are having a party so I think we will go over and M can play with all the kids. It is not fare to her that I have kept her indoors on the weekends that I do not work. I just get so tired and this weekend I have not felt good at all and have been doing laudry for what seems like forever.

Gotta go so I can clean out the vehicle. Have a great and safe weekend!

Growing up I remember thinking what it would feel like to be an adult. Acting like an adult, thinking like an adult, having the security of an adult..but my question is....When does that Happen?

In my head I am still 18..21...25..it just depends on the day and situation. I think I even thought once you had children you really became adults.....nope that is not it either. You become much more responsible but my thoughts are still the same.

I know what decisions I need to make but because I do not want to hurts others I do nothing. If I make the decisions does that make me an adult .....when do we actually grow up?

Hmmmm...my thoughts...too many to count!

I can not get over the fact that my girl will be two years old in less than a month. Two...TWO....WoW!

She is such a big girl these days. EXTREMELY independant..."I help Mommy!" is one of her favorite phrases. She knows how to get what she wants from others so she becomes very disappointed when I show up. She knows her two fav people, Grandpaw and Nonna, will take her to Micky D's for lunch and play and then get ice cream if I am not around...or do not hear! She actually walked up to Nonna and whispered "i cream please Nonna" and then cut her eyes to me and then back to Nonna. My response..."Hmmm...how does she know to ask for ice cream???" I got a blank stare from both and then Nonna blamed Grandpaw. It was pretty funny. So the girl...now knows what ice cream is and really likes it.

I had never taken her to Micky D's to play so it was interesting to watch her. She is definitly a leader. The others would follow her lead even some of the older children. It was great to watch her.

Still hard to believe two years have gone by. My baby is growing....growing too fast. But ya know the best feeling is her arms around me hugging me so tight and saying "i luv you mommy" and then giving me a big ol kiss. THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD I tell you!