Getting Outside My Head

Well...the trip was interesting.

Started out great! Wonderful...and fell apart in the middle but in the end things smoothed out. And to top it off..I lost. Could not win at all. :(

I did not get to spend much time with my aunt and that was so disappointing. She said she may visit in Oct or Nov. I can't wait! It would be great if she was here for Molly's birthday.

The trip is over. My next trip needs to be to the beach!

My girl is growig so fast. She can say many many words and three to five word sentences. She can repeat just about any word you ask. She also knows several colors and letters.

My favorite thing in the world is to hear her laugh. I can get lost in her beautiful laughter.

She loved the fireworks. She would say "Wow Wee" and "Oh Cool" and "Pretty". She is so cute!

I can't believe she will be 21 months on the 21st. Time is moving too fast!

Going on these days. Not ready to get into it all...but my stress is at max level.

I am at the office today. Had no sitter so I had to drive and meet my dad half way so he could baby sit. That was an hour or so there and an hour back and when I get off I have to drive all the way to OK to pick her up. I have no sitter anymore. Not sure what I am going to do.

J's grandfather is extremely ill and only has days left. He flew up there this morning to say good-bye and then will fly back Mon morning unless his grandfather passes over the weekend. I wish there was something I could do. My heart goes out to him and his family. I know he wants me there but is torn will all the issues right now. The fact that I have to work does not help either. I may try to fly up for the fuenral not sure.

All I can do right now is cry. This relationship stuff is hard. I know things will work out the way they are supposed too...but I am still sad.

You will be in my thoughts all day. I still remember leaving Molly to go back to work. It was and still is so hard for me.

At first it was nice to have a break but then I missed her more than I could have ever imagined.

Enjoy being back in the adult world! Enjoy the warmth of his smile when you pick him up!!

J's grandfather passed away Saturday evening. J made it there in time to say his good-byes and I am thankful for that.

Today is the funeral. I wish I was there to support J and his family. Major family issues going and along with my job issues he asked me not to come. Also he did not want to spend the money for a day and a half flight.

My heart goes out the family. They will be in my thoughts and prayers.

I have so much to say yet so little to say.

Work..great to have job security but damn...

Love...harder than I could have ever imagined...

Family...disappointing...

Daughter....a smile that makes all the above go away.. :)

Things are really difficult these days. I know things happen for reason but it does not make it easier.

I have been through worse times so I will get through it. It is just worse because of M. She is little and will not remember. But I will.

I guess it is good that I am so busy at the office. It leads to more stress but at least I have other things to think about. I hate being at the house now. I really hate it after M goes to bed. The house feels empty.

I still hope things work out but I think we may be past that point.

Sorry...just having a down moment.

Monday - J and I break up - The Final

Tuesday - Day after long exhausting talk
Work - Total accountabilty for financial conversion and getting
hit from all sides with issues that have to be understood and
resloved.
Talk with J's friend B, who works at my office, about emotional
break up.
Get call from M's school that she has been bit several times and
shoved to the ground by new child at school
Pick M up and find out that she was ATTACkED by child at school
She looked like she had been in a car accident. Find out that
NO teachers witnessed the incident. It was brutal.

Wednesday - J's birthday.
Spend over an hour at school regarding M's incident while
consultants for the converstion wait on me at the office.
Once at the office spend another half hour on the phone
with school director.
J sends email signs it with just his name.
Get to hear from B that J finally told him about the break up.
Get word that my neice was born today! YaY...things are getting
better now...Right...
M's birth father calls and happens to tell me that he THINKS he
MIGHT want rights to M. Has appt with an atty next week.
At school...M is now biting other kids.

I am going to write a book one day about my life and become filthy rich off stories people with think are made up!!!

Okay...no sleep last night.

Late call with M's bio father(sperm donor is a better title I think..SD) and M had nightmares all night. Poor girl!

I am calmer today. If he decides to see her there really is nothing I can do. It will be up to the judge. I will just wait and see what happens.

M looks much better. Her bruises are now green instead of black and purple. It is amazing how fast she heals. The knot on her tummy still looks bad though and is hurting her so I think I will call the Dr in the morning.

I think I am just about all cried out. I am exhausted to the point of every part of my body hurts. Hoping the wine will help me sleep.

I hope my baby sleeps tonight. I just can't think about what happened to her anymore. I just start crying and become so angry. She is such a happy girl that loves everyone. But she knows who bit her..."Jada bite"...I hear that in my head about every minute and tear up.

Okay..back to my wine and celb poker.

Good Night.