I think we all have a plan. A plan that is set for us by another power of some kind. Not that we do not have control of our lives but just that things happen for a reason.
I am trying hard to figure out my plan. I have had it better than others and worse than others. I have had struggles, abandonment, independence, pride, selfishness, selflessness and utter betrayals by the ones I love.
Is this a plan of hardship for me so that Molly never has to feel this pain.
I hope so. I hope Molly never goes through the confusion, fear, loneliness and hurt that I have experienced from the people that I thought loved me and cared for me.
I sit and try to understand why things have turned out this way. I make my own decisions and I have made bad ones. I am not a victim. I have trusted the wrong individuals and that is a hard lesson.
Why do these people find me and why do I find them. That is something that I decided to change last year and will continue but it still hurts when the people in your past continue to hurt you.
I want to believe there is good in everyone and maybe others can not see it...that if do not give up on the person the good will come out. That is just not the case all the time.
I love my daughter so much. I love her more than I ever thought I could love anyone or anything. I cry as I write because I want her to be happy and full of love. I do not want her to be me. I do not want her to shut people out and by doing so pass all the good people out there. The ones that truely have a heart and care for others.
That is why I decided a year ago to change my world. To tear down my wall. It is difficult. It makes it hard to conceal my feelings, to hold back the tears. I think I cry for not only what is going on today but also for what I have not been able to cry about for many years. The wall is down, Molly tore down the last pieces left and climbed into my heart. I am grateful for that. All the pain is worth it. She is the best thing I have ever had in my life.
One day her father will look back at his life and regret his actions. He will morn his decisions.
Maybe many years from now I will see my plan clearly. For now I must not waste time trying to figure it out....I must live my life with Molly to the fullest.
For those of you think this is just crap and stop feeling sorry for yourself or why put out something so personal.....This is my site! A place for me to vent, to get outside of my head and move on.